How to Talk with Your Teen about Crushes and Love vs Lust

Talk To Your Teen About Crushes, Love and Lust

Dating Smarts for Parents – How to Talk with Your Teen about Crushes and Love vs Lust.

Help them know the difference!

Your teen is probably dying to know about the difference between a crush and being in love. Here’s how to talk with your teen about crushes, love, and lust.

Is It Lust?

It’s important for your teen to know that sexual desire (lust) is part of our wiring to want to reproduce, but in the teen years, desire doesn’t line up with being emotionally ready to become a parent.  Guys are at their “sexual peak” in their teens, while girls hit their peak in their 30’s.  This is why a teen girl’s desire may not be as strong as a guy’s.  Talk about this with your teen, as well as things they can do by themselves to release this energy, such as masturbate, exercise, meditate, pray, be creative, read, or write.

Is It Love?

Discuss with your teen that they will know when they are falling in love because they and their partner will share the same feelings of a deep emotional connection, feeling confident, and a kind of “high.” There should be very few negative feelings. Continue talking with your teen about how, as their relationship deepens, those amazing “in love” feelings can fade and become less wild and crazy, but also deeper, more enduring. Their feelings can die as well, and sadly this will happen with many of their relationships. Describe that it can be sudden or gradual, but the experience of your first love being your one and only love is rare.

Sample Script for “Sexual Communication”

Remind them that it’s easy to go farther physically, the more you get to know someone – prepare your teen for doing this on their own terms. Tell them it is very important that before they are in the heat of the moment, to communicate about their limits, birth control, sexual history, and condom use with their partner. If they can’t do this, it means they aren’t ready. An example is: “I wanted to check with you about something. I am having a great time with you and before we go any further physically, I wanted to talk about my rules about…”

  •  oral sex.
  • sexual intercourse.

“I want to wait until . . . ”

  • we’ve been dating one year.
  • I’m in college.

Then ask their partner, “Are you going to be okay with this?” Emphasize that it is up to them to stick to their limits and tell them to be aware of how far things are going once their hormones are enjoying a make out session. Your teen can use this conversation as a test to see just how committed their partner is. Your teen’s intuition will help them, encourage them to pay attention to it.

The truth is crushing, falling in love, being in love, or merely being “in lust” can all be really confusing for everyone. Talking about this with your teen can help them advance on their own timeline.

How to Talk about Sperm and Egg Donation with Kids

Tell them you used a donor as soon as possible

When an individual or couple needs to have an egg or sperm donated to the baby-making event, I think it’s important for the child to know this part of their story as soon as possible. The reason I believe this is because I think every child has the right to fully know who he or she is and they deserve to know whether they share full genetic material with you.

Imagine how you would feel if you found out that you were adopted when you were 10 or 12. It would be shocking, confusing and probably piss you off. This is along the same lines. Your child should have “always known” you received the amazing gift of sperm or egg donation.

What to say about your donor

Sperm donor

A man that gives his sperm to a person or couple so they can become pregnant is called the “sperm donor” or the “donor.”

Egg donor

A woman that gives her egg to a person or couple so they can become pregnant is called the “egg donor” or the “donor.”

If you had fertility issues. . .

We had trouble getting pregnant the usual way because your dad didn’t make enough sperm (or whatever the issue is). We went to a place called a sperm bank where men can give their sperm to help families like ours have babies. We got to pick the donor and we used his sperm to make YOU!

We had trouble getting pregnant the usual way because your mom didn’t make enough eggs (or whatever the issue is). We found a woman who gave us some of her eggs to help families like ours have babies. We got to pick the donor and we used her egg to make YOU!

If you were in a same-sex relationship. . .

We wanted to have a baby and because we are a two mom/dad family, we needed to get some sperm/eggs so we could make a baby!

Our friend donated their sperm/eggs to us so we could have you!

Or..

We went to a place called a sperm bank where men can give their sperm to help families like ours have babies. We got to pick the donor and we used his sperm to make YOU!

We found a woman who gave us some of her eggs to help families like ours have babies. We got to pick the donor and we used her egg to make YOU!

If you were single. . .

I wanted to have a baby and because I am single, I needed to get some sperm/eggs so I could make a baby!

 I went to a place called a sperm bank where men can give their sperm to help families like ours have babies. I got to pick the donor and I used his sperm to make YOU!

I found a woman who gave us some of her eggs to help families like ours have babies. I got to pick the donor and I used her egg to make YOU!

These scripts are intended to get you started thinking about how you want to address this issue. And if you’ve already been there, done that, share your story!

Mom Needs Help Explaining Why Boys Get Erections

Birds & Bees Talks Advice!

 Question:

My 7-year-old just asked me why his penis was big. I told him it was called an erection that it was normal and that it happens when blood flows to the penis. He then asked me why it happens. and I froze. What should I have said?

Answer:

You handled this really well – that’s exactly what’s happening! As for why? It’s practicing for when he’s older and ready to have sex and it totally normal for this to happen.

And you should watch the “That’s How the Boner Grows” video with him. It’s great (and funny).

Transgender Kid Has Romantic Sleep Over – Parents Wonder if Good Idea

Childhood Sexual Health Q & A

Birds & Bees Talks Advice!

Question:

I have a question and I think this is the only place open enough to give a logical, educated answer. I have a transgender girl who has had a best friend her entire life, a cisgender boy. My kid is 14, he is 15.

Their relationship changed from best friends to girlfriend/boyfriend. They still have sleepovers, we told them they can’t sleep in the same bed, but they like to cuddle while watching shows in bed.

My husband thinks this is unacceptable. I don’t even know. Is there a logical reason this is not ok? They are young, it seems like a serious relationship for being so young, but is there any evidence that it’s damaging?

Answer:

Howdy and thanks for your trust in me! I think that this is fine – yes, they are young. Yes, there’s some “complication” regarding your child’s gender (but not really, but sorta). Yes, being serious at this age seems scary and, like, too much. And, yes, most American adults think girlfriend/boyfriend sleepovers are not okay.

Here’s why I’m okay with it:

  1. They have been real, and really good friends for their whole lives. What a great and safe basis for a first relationship.
  2. You know this boy well, so he’s not a new person in your kiddo’s life that she’s become obsessed with.
  3. It’s totally normal for besties to get into romantic relationships. It happens all the time. Same gender, opposite gender, whatever.
  4. You know what’s up!
  5. You have Rules!
  6. Your child is at huge risk for a bunch of fucked up relationship stuff and this very first one is so great for her. So. Great. It’s safe, kind, and friendly.
  7. Training wheels. This is what first relationships are all about figuring it out and this is a good one to do this in.
  8. No pregnancy risk!!!!!
  9. In countries where they have great teen sexual health outcomes, co-ed sleepovers are the norm. Their kids thrive sexually, ours do not.
  10. The chance that they will stay in a romantic relationship is minuscule. This may pass – they may decide they are better friend-friends than girlfriend/boyfriend.

Also, I would say this, you need to have tons of talks about consent, waiting for oral sex, enjoying the learning of each other’s bodies. You can do this in the 3rd person. Say something like, “Most of the fun of sex is everything leading up to the actual sex.” Lots of talk about how she’s feeling about him, does she like being girlfriend/boyfriend, is this what she really wants, etc.

And considering your family and child’s impending life path…I would pick something else to be overly concerned about. This relationship is safe and sweet and overnights are not going to make it or break it. They will do that themselves.

And, finally, you two are doing a bang-up job. I’m sure this is hugely hard and stressful in general, but you clearly have your sweet girl’s back, which, as you know, is what is required for her to thrive.