School is just around the corner (or may have just started) and, as you may remember, kids talk about sex! This is focused on 5 – 11 year-olds.
“School readiness” should also include sex-talk readiness so that your child will see you as their go-to sexpert; come to you when they hear something crazy or scary; and feel like the smartest kid on the playground when it comes to this part of life.
Here are the top 6 things your kiddo should know about sex before school starts.
#1
The usual way babies are made and sex for pleasure.
I know, I know, I am constantly telling you to do this, so please just do it! Why is this so important? If you don’t get on it, someone else will, or your kids will Google it and this means a couple of things: they think they “know” so they won’t ask you questions, and porn exposure. Stuff this into the dark place, as my spouse says, so you can pay attention to the rest of this. I’ll get to porn later.
The sex for pleasure part can freak a parent out, but this fact is incredibly important to your kids’ future relationships and sex life. If they know sex should feel good and that nearly everyone does it because of this, you plant the seed that sex is a positive and fun part of life.
Also, they should know that there are a lot of different way to be sexual with someone like kissing, making out, hugging, rubbing bodies, touching privates, and penis-in-vagina sex. Tell them this sort of thing is not for kids and is for later in life when their hearts, minds, and bodies are ready for dating and sex.
Imagine if you knew, from elementary school onward that the main reason people have sex is for pleasure and it should feel good to both partners (not just the guy, in het sex anyway).
Wouldn’t you rather have your kids kick off their sex ed in a positive way so that their early sexual experiences are better than yours were?
When we focus on the sucky parts of sexuality and relationships– unplanned pregnancy, STIs, HIV/AIDS, the evils of sex before marriage, the horrors of puberty – they learn that sexuality is something to be afraid of and is full of trouble.
If you are worried they will go out and do it if they know it feels good, don’t bother. They are going to do it whether they know or not.
Let them know this is why you talk so much about this – so they make great relationship decisions as they get older.
#2
Kids will talk on the playground, on the bus, at practice, and even in the classroom – and they may talk about sexual stuff that isn’t true, super-adult and/or weird or scary sounding.
As you may recall in elementary school there was a lot of chat about sexual things, mostly more relationship/crush type stuff, but sex was in the air. Many kids only have their peers as their info source or the internet, neither of which are accurate.
Tell them their friends are not the best source of info, because most of them don’t have parents like you who are open about this and talk to them about it (ahem). You can say that there is a lot of misinformation out there and if they think their friends know more than you do, let them know that there is no way in hell that is possibly true.
One great tip from my sex educator pal Jo Langford is to make your car an “anything goes” zone. This means your kids can say pretty much anything they want – including swears, slang, etc. They can ask you about anything weird they heard at school, practice, etc.
To get the ball rolling you can ask them directly, “What new/weird/crazy stuff did you hear about at school today?” And you can also tell a tale or two from your own childhood experience, to show that you get it.
The most important thing with the “anything goes” zone is to tell them they will not get in trouble for anything they say or ask about the birds and the bees. Then make sure to be a person of your word. Head’s up – they will talk about EVERYTHING. So get ready!
#3
Your family rules about sharing the good news.
When you are open with your kids, one concern is that they will run around and share the news with their peers. They may or they may not.
You can tell them, “We are super open about this stuff in our family, but other families are not. If the parents find out that you’ve been talking to their kids about sex, they may freak out. We think this is weird because we are toooooootally comfortable talking about this with you.
Because we don’t want people to feel uncomfortable and you to get in trouble, the rule is that this information should be kept to yourself. You can tell your pals to talk to their parents about this. And then change the subject.”
Tall order, I know, but you need to at least plant the seed. And cross your fingers, they may not be able to keep their mouths shut. You can handle this when you find out about it, but DO NOT punish your child if this happens. It will shut down the open communication.
#4
They can ask or tell you anything and they will not get in trouble.
Sometimes, kids will do or say things that completely freak us out, like the mom who told me her 3rd grader heard about oral sex and asked what it is.
Freaking out is a natural impulse and it happens because we are shocked and surprised. This is a parenting problem, not a kid problem. They don’t know what they are saying or asking is a giant, hairy-scary deal.
When you punish them for their “bad” behavior in this regard, you are telling them two things:
- You are not trustworthy because you cannot keep your poop-in-a-group when they ask, what is to them, a simple question.
- They are a bad person for being curious.
Take a breath and calmly explain what they are asking about. It’s fine to tell them you need to think about it and then get back to them. Let them know it’s not OK or safe to ask other folks about this because others may not tell the truth AND that it’s not OK to look this up on the internet because what they might see can be confusing or scary and isn’t for kids.
#5
They may see sexual things on the internet like videos and pictures of people having sex.
Tell them these kinds of videos are called porn and are not for kids to see because their hearts, minds, and bodies are not ready for sex or sexual things.
Let them know that the rule is they need to close the app, turn of the computer or pad, and stop looking at it and they need to let you know right away, so you can answer questions and make sure they are OK.
And…THEY WILL NOT BE IN TROUBLE IF THIS HAPPENS. Yes, I am yelling!
One the biggest mistakes parents make is punishing and shaming kids when they Google sexual words or things they’ve heard from peers and get exposed to porn.
It is not their fault if they can get to porn from a search on any device under your direct control. It’s yours. If you do not have parental controls or monitoring software, get something like BARK installed on every single device they can access the internet on.
Not. Their. Fault.
Again, I’m yelling.
Stop reading and deal with this shit right now. It’s your job to protect your kids in all ways.
Oh, right, your kid would never!!! Wrong, every kid will be exposed to porn before they are 18. I’m guessing you don’t want your kid to be the one showing other kids porn sites, so lock it down.
Let them know you have added monitoring software and parental controls so you can make sure they are safe online. If you are late to the game with this, tell them that you made a mistake and should have done this sooner.
Worried about their “privacy”? This is not a thing when it comes to the internet. Just Google “penis” and see how long it takes to get to explicit images. I just did and I am going to go lie down now.
#6
When people touch each other in any way, the rule is everyone agrees to do this.
Tell them this includes handshakes, hugs, tickling, wrestling, kissing (romantic and friend/family), and any kind of sexual behaviors. Let them know that safe adults (and older kids) ask first before giving hugs, etc.
You need to demonstrate this and role play is a great way to get this in their bones. Take turns “asking first” before you give a hug, high five, or fist bump. You both should say “no” and respect each other’s “no” because this shows how it should go when someone says no to any kind of touch. This will help them know when their boundaries have been violated. Practice saying “yes” too, so they can feel the difference.
This is how you plant the seeds of sexual consent. If they experience this in real life and talk about it and understand how it should work, they will be more likely to feel confident saying “no” to sexual behaviors they don’t like.
Alright! That’s it from me. Is this perfect? Of course not! My hope is it will give you some food for thought and that you will be inspired to get these tackled.
*One word of caution, don’t do all of these things in one go. Dole them out over the course of a few weeks. If they ask you what’s up with all the public service announcements tell them you remember what it was like to be a kid and knowing this would have been really helpful.