Ask Amy: Is My Granddaughter Really Pan-Sexual?
See below for questions from a grandma about her 13 year-old granddaughter, and my answers alongside. PFLAG would also offer a lot of support and help as well.
Hi Amy –
I have a question regarding my 13 year old girl….she is my granddaughter that I am raising due to both her parents being unable to care for her.
In the last year, she is claiming to be “pan-sexual”. She is a beautiful girl, but with this announcement, she requested (and was granted) to cut off her long beautiful hair into a short pixie and dress more like a boy. This happened right after boy “came to call on her”. At that time, she briefly donned some booty shorts and sexier type outfits (still fitting for her age), curling her hair, etc., and then “friend zoned” the guy and abruptly began hiding her girlish beauty.
Pan-sexual usually means a person is attracted to another person regardless of their sex or gender – this isn’t important – what’s important is who they are on the inside.
I think she really means she’s bi – you should ask her what she means so that you can be sure to use the right words and support her no matter what.
She is clearly working through what it means to be dating, a sexual person and what feels comfortable. Think about it like testing it all out! Kids now have a lot more options about how they can be in the world including who they are romantically and sexually attracted to.
Think about it like a broadening of options.
And this is common and normal in terms of development – the flip flopping is like “who am I?’ via outfits.
As a parent, I don’t understand pan-sexual, and don’t completely agree with bisexuality either. I am heterosexual, but myself grew up around lesbians….I am of the opinion that you are either gay or straight, and everything in between is merely an investigative stage. Regardless of that, I am open to accepting who my granddaughter is.
Most bisexuals will tell you that this is absolutely a thing – especially adults – they know what and who they like the vast majority of the time. It’s hard for those of us who are totally comfortable and confident in our orientation to have a hard time seeing these options.
The thing is….I am not completely convinced that my granddaughter IS pan-sexual, and I am growing irritated with this trend among girls hopping on the multi sexuality train at such a young age. ALL of her friends are claiming to identify as being either transgender, bi, lesbian, or pan. There doesn’t appear to be any flat out straight girls! Can they ALL be multi sexual??
This is very common and my take on it is that it is an extension of adolescent exploration – again kids have so much more info about this stuff than we ever did. I know it seems weird and also not “real” and maybe it is or maybe it isn’t – your job is to believe her no matter what she says and hang in there. My guess is that most of these kids will settle back into their gender assigned at birth and also get more clarity about who they are sexually attracted to.
I’m not convinced either…BTW. I want to say this is phase or a trend, but it may not be – it may be a reality for these kids. So the best tactic is to accept it, be kind, go with the flow and wait.
And the group of friends testing all this out is very common – think about the theater kids or the punk kids or the jocks – same sort of thing/ influence.
I have talked with my granddaughter at length, and she does appear to have some sexual issues….strongly suspecting that her exposure in her parent’s custody has given her a very conservative view of sex (she thinks they are both “whores” and that is an accurate statement). She hasn’t had her “first kiss” and wants nothing to do with any type of physical intimacy with either gender. Considering her age, and that many of the kids her age are already exploring, I am thankful that she is not yet ready to explore physical intimacy….but I also suspect that she is purposely hiding her physical beauty, dressing like a boy, and claiming she is “pan” as a way to keep advances from boys at a distance (this, and a few other things, make me suspect that she is heterosexual). While this could successfully prevent her from being sexually active until she is older (good thing), is this healthy for her to hide who she is?
I think she is probably doing exactly what you said – protecting herself from getting in a heterosexual situation that could be a problem. She’s just not ready for this and saying she’s “pan” – she may really mean a-sexual which means she’s not attracted to anyone. Also a thing.
Most kids have underlying issues so I would get her into therapy with someone who works with teens and is comfortable helping them navigate this part of life.
The boy that “came to call” has been a good friend that she has gone back and forth with for nearly two years from friend zone to boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. She gets mad at him often and pushes him away, and when he gives other girls attention, she is LIVID….but refuses to admit that she ever liked the guy more than a friend. The boy is completely confused by her actions, but still continues to come around when she will allow him and is still patiently waiting for her to figure herself out.
Normal. Especially considering her confusion.
She had a brief “relationship” with a female, where they walked around school holding hands for about a week, showed some discomfort with that as well, and “broke it off”.
Also normal.
While alone in her room, she primps herself completely like a young lady. I have walked in and caught her sporting her short shorts and half shirts, doing her hair and make up and admiring herself in the mirror. After a hostile “get out”, I have long sense pretended not to notice when she chooses, alone, to embrace her femininity.
Good thing. Keep it chill.
The latest incident that has me completely frustrated is her preferred style of dress for an upcoming band recital…it is a semi formal event with slacks/tie for boys, dresses for girls. She wishes to make a statement and wear the slacks and tie, and has been adamant about it. I AM uncomfortable with this, and after some argument with her, have pawned this decision onto her father (my son), who has decided to verify with the school on the required attire for girls and declaring that she WILL wear a dress for this event.
LET HER WEAR WHAT SHE WANTS TO WEAR. Make sure she understands the consequences if she does this and find out what her friends are up to. This school rule is so sexist and stupid and honestly, you should complain. It’s just plain wrong.
Her friends should band together and protest this rule. I’m not kidding. Her non-custodial father shouldn’t have very much power in this.
She is the only one among her declared lesbian, bi, and/or pan girl pals that has chosen to dress like a boy. While they all are in the fantasy romantic stage in their physical attractions with little experience to back up their preferences, they are “girly girls”….it is only my girl that is wearing the beanies, frumpy jeans an baggy shirts. Her friends have deemed her as a lesbian, but she will adamantly correct them as being a “pan”.
This is fine – she should talk to them about the sexism with this rule and see if any will change their minds. Also, her frumpy clothes are probably another protective thing. She feels safe at home to be girly – but not in public or maybe even with these friends.
I don’t want to encourage this behavior with her…..yet, I don’t want to be unsupportive of who she is….perhaps I am just as confused as she is….or am I the only one that is confused?
Oh you are both confused. So!! You have to be outwardly supportive of who she is in this moment – kids who aren’t straight or change gender and don’t have parental support have an extremely high suicide rate. So you have a choice, possibly lose her because you feel uncomfortable or have her forever.
Any insight?
*Edited for clarity and to protect the identity of the writer.*
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