It’s too soon for my 13-year-old son to say “I love you” to his first girlfriend, right?
Hi Amy!
My 13-year-old son is two weeks into his first boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and they are saying they love each other over text. I need some real time, real life guidance. He seems to be determined to be the best boyfriend ever. They go to the same school and are in many classes together and were friends before he asked her out. He is very confident in himself and the relationship – proud even.
They haven’t entered into the physical space yet and they have been on one or two “dates.” He gets her flowers and gives her his sweatshirt, paper hearts, etc. He is coming out of the gate fast and I think likes the attention he is getting from her, her friends, and of being a “good boyfriend.”
Of course, I am worried about him getting hurt and moving into intimacy too soon and too fast. I need help to help him navigate all of this. Can you point me in the right direction?
~Dater-Boy’s Mama
Reality will hit and hit hard and probably soon
Hey Dater-Boy’s Mama!
The short answer is yes, I agree with you – it’s too soon for “I love you.” He sounds like he is riding high on first “love” energy and rocking the boyfriend space, which is really sweet.
A couple of thoughts, first of all, DO NOT tell him that he isn’t feeling his feelings because he is! Even though we know that this isn’t “real” love, it feels real to him. Do ask him how he’s doing and what he’s feeling and thinking about her. You can also check in with him about how he feels when he’s with her and doing things for her.
Ask if she is being as loving and kind and giving as he is – and then wait for his answer. Be careful not to poke and prod, because if she’s not, he’ll start to see it and, perhaps back up the love train a bit.
Make sure that he knows it is absolutely not okay either of them to text anything sexual at all, ever. No pics of her boobs/his crotch. It’s a felony and he can get in some serious trouble, as can she. And you can tell them if they do this at all, NO HEADS. It is very, very common for kids to sext, so make sure they know how to do it safely. Of course, not doing this at all is the safest, but we don’t always get our way.
You might get him a copy of my Dating Smarts book and make it required reading so he can be an even better dater. You should read it, too, and then drop helpful ideas here and there.
I’d also have her over to your house to hang out as much as you can so you can get to know her. If she can’t ever come over, for whatever reasons, this is a red flag. She may be sneaking the romance, leading him on, or not able to be open with her parents about it – all trouble.
I wish that I could tell you that you can help him avoid a broken heart, but I cannot. But you can pave the way for a softer landing when it happens.
Good luck! The fact that you are thinking about this is great – you’ll be a good support for him as he moves through this important part of life.
~Amy
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