How To Report A Coach’s Totally and Completely Inappropriate Sexual Comments?

 

Hi Amy!

A couple of years ago I asked you about talking to my son, then 13, about upcoming sexual issues and how to approach this as safely as possible for him. You were very helpful and also kind to offer support if I had any questions or quandaries.

One has arisen very recently that disturbs me. It does not involve him directly, but is something that a friend told him that a soccer coach at the high school level said. Specifically, the coach told his friend “playing soccer will get you laid”. I discussed this with my son as to the “inappropriateness” (and I know that you hate that word!) of this adult/student breech of conduct.

While my son understood, he was concerned for his friends’ anonymity and “getting people in trouble” and therefore reticent to give any more information. So, two questions:

• How do I proceed as to finding out the truth of the matter regarding the misconduct and not betraying my child’s confidence?
• How do I proceed if indeed it is a fact?

I am not sure where to go from here and any help would be greatly appreciated. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks in advance for your help.

~ Barbara

Mom Needs To Report Coach’s Sexual Comments

 

Hi Barbara!

First of all, pat yourself on the back! Your son confided in you!!!! He trusts you and knows he needs help (or, rather, his friend does) and he picked YOU. Brava! And what perfect timing, considering all of the seemingly endless reports of sexual harassment and assault we are hearing about every single day.

And guess what! This coach and what he said to your son’s friend? He is the perfect example of why women and girls are sexually harassed, assaulted and raped every single fucking day.

Telling your son’s friend that “playing soccer will get you laid” is perpetuating the idea that sex is a game and the goal is to score (love my sports analogies?). I think promoting the idea of “getting laid,” especially when presented by this person who is in a position of power over this boy, is dehumanizing to both the boy and his someday partners.

If we keep letting men get away with this kind of talk, especially when they are highly influential over our boys, women and girls will never get relief from the sexist, misogynistic and abusive culture we live in. It’s not good for anyone, including boys and men.

This coach was totally, completely 100% inappropriate* with his player and his behavior needs to be reported. And you are the woman to do it.

Put your big girl underpants on, pick up the phone, call the organization that employs this ass-wipe and report him. You don’t need to give the name of your son’s friend. If you don’t know the coach’s name, I am willing to bet you can figure out who the coach is with no problem, thanks to the Internet and your latent Nancy Drew skills.

As for your son and his trust in you, tell him (after you call) that you had to call. Explain why you did, heck, have him read this and then talk about it.

Your job is to show your boy what it means to be a man and when and how to do the right thing.

You’ve got this!

Amy

*I do hate it when adults use the word “inappropriate” with children – saying “not ok and not safe” is much easier for them to understand –  but sometimes there is no other word.