How can we debrief our daughter on rape story heard on playground?
Hi Amy!
My spouse and I saw you speak at our daughter’s school several years ago, and you provided some wonderful resources we still use. We also keep up with your Facebook page.
Unfortunately, we find ourselves in a situation we aren’t sure how to talk about with our now nine-year-old. I would love some resources or advice.
The story we are getting from school is that a child on the playground recounted a graphic sex scene from a movie to several of the other kids. This sex scene included what was likely rape, and involved aggressive actions by a man towards a woman’s vagina and anus. All of this was told to our daughter, and now she is refusing to talk about it to the school counselor which is not surprising to me – she is a pretty shy kid.
We’ve worked hard to talk to her casually about sex and emphasize the things we weren’t told in our abstinence only upbringing. We’ve also talked to her about sexual assault in somewhat general terms (thanks to the current president…), but I was wondering if you have any resources or suggestions on debriefing this with her?
Thank you so much!
~ Jena, Worried Mom
How to explain rape and sexual assault to a child
Howdy Jena!
Ug. Ug. Double-ug. This is the last place anyone wants their child to learn about rape or sexual assault for the first time, and in graphic detail, too. The good news is that you have jumped one of the biggest hurdles for most parents when it comes to explaining rape to their child: you’ve already talked about heathy sexuality and introduced the idea of sexual assault. This will make the conversation about rape so much easier.
I would start by reminding her that most people agree have sex and want to have sex with each other because it is a loving, fun and healthy part of their relationship. Then I would tell her that sometimes one person will force another person to have sex or do sexual things that they do not want to do or agree to do. This is called rape or sexual assault.
Let her know that it’s a scary thing to learn about and that you are sorry the kid on the playground was talking about it and described what they saw in so much detail. You can tell her rape usually happens because one person wants to be more powerful over another person and they choose this way to have that power. It’s never, ever the person who was forced to have sex’s fault.
Tell her it’s normal to feel weird or scared about this and you are willing to answer any and all questions she may have. And remind her (again) that most of the time when people have sex, they agree to do it because it’s fun and they want to do it.
This is a tough conversation for most parents, so you might want to practice what you want to say before you actually say it. This will increase your confidence and your calm as you talk with her. Also, because she’s shy, I would recommend that you (or your spouse) talk to her on your own, not together.
If she shows any signs of distress, upset, trauma then you should connect with the school counselor and see about having her in for a few sessions to help her feel better and less anxious about this.
You’ve got this!
Amy
PS: From the parents!
We talked to our daughter about it! We talked about the difference between consensual and non-consensual sex and talked about how when people have consensual sex, they sometimes do things that might seem weird to other people but that it’s their choice because it is something that they agreed to do together. Then we answered some of her questions (and her dad got VERY nervous!) but I think it went well!
