How do we encourage our daughter to dress more appropriately without making her self-conscious about her body?
Hi Amy –
My wife and I have appreciated your brilliant parenting advice over the years. We’re stumped about a new topic. Our 7yo daughter is not big on wearing clothes around the house. She usually sleeps in underwear and then wears only that until it’s time to go to school. Then she often strips back down to her underwear once she gets home in the afternoon. We’ve been fine with this, but we’ve had to coach her on wearing pants or shorts under skirts/dresses when she’s out of the house.
However, we recently had guests over and her clothing was sparse. Since it wasn’t just our family, we told her it was not ok to dress so revealingly around others. But it didn’t go over well, and we could use some help in steering her in the right direction.
So our question is: How do we encourage her to dress more appropriately without making her self-conscious about her body?
Thanks so much!
~ Parents of Tiny Nudist
How To Get Your Child To Wear Clothes When They Don’t Want To
Howdy Parents of Tiny Nudist! Thanks for reaching out about your sweet girl. I have a few thoughts on the topic of children and nudity in general and specifically with regard to your gal.
I believe her being panties-only at home is fine. She will grow out of this before you know it, thanks to natural privacy that often kicks in about age 9 and the onset of puberty. Kids generally become more self-conscious at this time.
Family Time vs Company Time
Tell her that YOU are fine when it’s family time and she’s just wearing panties (assuming you really are OK with this). Then tell her that when others are over, the rule is (and say “rule”) that she needs to wear clothes because:
“Some people feel uncomfortable when they see older kids naked or barely wearing clothes.”
And then have her pick out a couple of “company” outfits so she has some ready to go clothes. This will reduce any dithering when other folks are over and she’ll feel more in control and in power.
She may have some sensory issues with tags, hems and scratchiness that make her uncomfortable in her clothing. Lots of kids do! Ask her what clothes feel “yummy” to wear and which clothes feel “yucky” and see what you can learn. Then get rid of the yucky ones and lay in a supply of the yummy ones.
I think she’s getting a lot of attention from you for this behavior and the more you make a big deal out of it, the more she does it so she can get your undivided attention. Kids don’t care what kind of attention they get (positive or negative) they just like attention. This would make her more inclined to be a panties-only gal because she gets so much attention because of it.
You might not want to address this when she’s already panties-only. Talk to her when she’s dressed and make a clothes plan with her involvement. If she strips the second she gets home, find a quiet time to chat and make the plan. Do not draw attention to what she’s wearing (or not) when you are having the conversation.
Avoid Sexualizing Her Behavior
For me, “revealing” and age 6 are not concepts that belong in the same sentence. I think this idea sexualizes your daughter’s behavior and what’s going on is not “sexual” in the grown-up sense of the word. “Revealing” implies she has some ulterior motive when she’s unwilling to be fully dressed. When you say this to word to her, it may sound mean, judgmental and confusing. She really doesn’t get what the problem is (or could be).
When you talk about this with her be very, very careful about your tone. She will pick up on this and make decisions about you and herself that you probably would rather avoid if you sound upset or mad.
Before you deal with this head on, give her a total pass and ignore her outfits/clothing choices for 3 – 5 days.
Not. One. Comment.
It will help to defuse the situation if you stop reacting to her. If you have guests, have her put on a bathing suit and don’t make a big deal about it. Or slip back into that tiny tank top and short-shorts.
Different Perspectives
Also, apologize to her for making such a big deal about all of this. Let her know that because you are grown-ups, you look at the world through grown-up eyes and sometimes forget that kids have different ideas about the way things should be. Then have the conversation about the rule when other folks are visiting.
Finally, do NOT team up on her – one of you have the chats about this. Not both of you. This way you will avoid ganging up on her and she will be more likely to be compliant.
She sounds like a fun and lovely free-spirited kid – and, as with most of parenting, this too shall pass.
Good luck!
Amy
