Some advice from a recent email response that just might be relevant to you!
Q: My 15 year old daughter is in a close relationship with a wonderful person who is non-binary, considers themself lesbian, and was assigned female at Birth. They have known each other since 6th grade, and began a dating relationship last October during the fall of their ninth grade, high school.
A: I would be reassured by their existing friendship, now relationship. There is nothing better than having a first romance that’s based in friendship and it really paves the way for her future relationships by establishing the importance of friendship in relationships.
You clearly have done your homework with regard to understanding her partner’s gender/attraction – go you! I am guessing you might be wondering what this means for your daughter’s future relationships (Gay? Straight? Fluid? Neither?) and I think your best tactic is the one you already have – roll with it, be supportive and non-judgmental. She will sort it out and the more supportive you are, the easier it will be for her.
I’m sure you know that most first dating relationships happen in the 9th grade – this is developmentally typical.
Q: She is very cuddly, my husband is not. Her partner is also very cuddly. I have communicated my value of waiting until marriage to have sexual intercourse. I believe they were trying to respect this, however when I found out that they were exploring each others genitals I cried and I think after that they thought well we’ve already disappointed her we might as well just go all the way.
A: You may suggest they curb the cuddles when her dad is around because it makes him uncomfortable and because he’s uncomfortable, it’s disrespectful. And…tell her just like she doesn’t want to see the two of you all lovey-dovey, he probably feels the same.
It’s great that you were clear about your expectations regarding sex. And totally typical that they would be exploring each other’s bodies. The good news is that they won’t be making any babies. The upsetting news is that it’s hard to know if they are emotionally ready for this.
It is really important that you apologize for getting so upset and crying because you communicated your disappointment and discomfort which makes you unsafe for your daughter (not entirely, but on some level). When you apologize what you can say is,
“I’m sorry I got so upset when you told me that. I was surprised and worried because I had hoped you would wait as long as possible before you became sexually active – my upset and disappointment is all about me and my feelings. I am working hard to be all that you need me to be as a support in this part of life. Again, I’m sorry.”
And who knows about your disappointment leading to more exploration – if you can let it go, I would. You didn’t really “make” them do this – it was on the table already.
Q: I am working hard to communicate acceptance and love however I am grieving and I’m worried about their development.
A: All of this is developmentally typical, so no worries there. The thing that is most challenging and feels new and uncharted is the gender, bi, gay component – something that’s always been there, but is much more public and open now. You are leading the parenting pack!
Hang in there with her, reminder her that you are learning as you go and you 100% have her back no matter who she loves.
You are really doing an amazing job with this – the fact that you’ve asked for help demonstrates this.
One other resource is PFLAG.org – they will have more help and advice, for sure. And https://susanhopeberland.com/ too – she works with parents of not-straight kids.
OK! I hope this helps! You’ve got this!
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