If your tween or teen shuts down the second you ask, “How was your day?”—you’re not alone.
You may be wondering how to get your teen to talk, especially if they’re neurodivergent and have tried a bunch of things, none of which work very well.
There’s one magical thing you can do if you’ve been wondering how to help them open up.
I call it The Shut Up Technique.
Here’s how it works.
When you interact with your child for the first time in the morning, after school, after practice, when they come home from anything…
Do NOT ask them any questions.
Not one. None. 
Instead of asking a question, make a statement like:
- Good morning!
- It’s good to see you!
- Snacks are in the kitchen!
- Dinner is at 6:00!
Then Shut Up. Do not ask any questions. Zip it.
Do not ask:
- What do you want for breakfast?
- How was your day?
- Do you have homework?
- ANYTHING!
Next, wait (and wait, and wait).
This can be a tiny bit torturous because we really want to connect! Show we are interested in them! Be there!
Usually, after 20 -30 minutes have passed, your kid will be much more receptive to chatting.
Milo would become a chatterbox – and he was 13, an age notorious for clamming up.
How not asking questions helps your teen talk.
This works because they’ve been “on” all day, keeping it together for teachers, friends, and coaches.
At home, they need space to relax, not more (annoying) questions.
The last thing they want or need is someone pestering them because it keeps them in that same challenging social and emotional place.
Especially if they are neurodivergent.
Wait! I know you know how this feels because…children!
Think about how you feel after being at work all day, with friends, at the gym, or at the grocery store.
You’ve been ‘on’, right?
How would you feel if someone started pestering you with inane-seeming questions the second you got home?
Now imagine you’re a kid. This is a lot harder on them, and neurodivergent kids have it even harder.
Their time with you should be when they can decompress from their day.
It’s so hard to come home and have to continue to engage by answering (annoying) questions from well-intended you.
When you don’t ask questions, two things happen.
- They can relax, chill, self-regulate, and decompress
- You can relax, chill, and decompress
Let’s talk about you. Why this works for parents.
Instead of anxiously trying to connect, you can relax, unwind, enjoy some quiet time, and stop working so hard at being a good parent.
It’s so nice to have some “me time” during a time of day that’s usually fraught with planning, organizing, and ordering people around. I may be projecting here…
If they ask what’s wrong with you.
Tell them
- As you may have noticed, I talk too much, so I’m giving us all a break.
Then, turn up the music, go about your business, and…shut up.
If there is something urgent.
Wait as long as possible before you talk with them.
You can say something like:
- Would it be OK if I told you one thing you need to know ASAP? You don’t need to respond; I just need you to know.
Then…you know what to do.
Another bonus benefit of using The Shut Up Technique
This works for everyone in your family. If your partner is introverted and/or neurodivergent, they will be eternally grateful if you shut up when you see them at the end of the day.
Mine certainly is. Our end-of-day relationship dynamic got tons better when I decided to shut up.
How to ask questions that will help your teen talk to you.
Once your shut-up time has passed, you can use these tips from my delightful, smart pals Cecelia and Jason with Happily Family to get them talking. Check them out here.
The Shut Up Technique is your friend, and your kids will thank you for it!
This is not the perfect solution to getting your kids to talk, but it makes a big difference.
Try it this week and see how your teen responds. And let me know!
Get tons of tips for how to talk to your kids about sex here.
Need to talk to your autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent kid about sex? This download is for you! 3 Key Things Neurodivergent Kids Need to Know (and 3 for YOU)
