Barely edited transcript of my recent podcast.
How to talk with kids about crushes!
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HOW TO TALK TO KIDS ABOUT CRUSHES
I love having a crush. Crushes are great, and they can also be devastating, as you may know. I had a crush on someone—let’s call him RH—from kindergarten until high school. He was not a particularly pleasant person, and as an adult, I’m still baffled about why I found him so attractive in a crushing kind of way.
And of course, as an adult, I’ve had crushes too. Crushing is just part of life. Not for every human—some people don’t experience that—but many people do.
Your kids need to know what crushes are for two reasons. One, they will probably have them. Two, they’ll be around people who are having them and may pressure them about who they like.
So what is a crush?
A crush is an intense interest in someone. Usually, there’s a romantic feeling behind it, though not always. Typically, you’re interested in having some kind of relationship with that person.
One important thing about crushes is that they’re often idealized. The person you have a crush on exists mostly in your imagination. You have this idea about who they are and what they’re like, and that can create really strong romantic feelings.
And sometimes those feelings aren’t returned. That’s part of the deal with crushes, and kids should know that.
This is different from a real relationship. In a real relationship, you actually know the person. There’s a friendship. You understand their quirks. You spend time together. You have a real-life connection.
Crushes tend to live mostly in your head. Relationships happen in real life.
Crushes can be really fun. Some kids love to talk about their crushes. Others are very private. My son Milo would not tell me about his crushes, which I found extremely frustrating. To this day, he will not tell me who he had a crush on in middle school.
Some kids will share, some won’t. And again, don’t assume your kid will have crushes—but there’s a pretty good chance they will.
One thing to know is that kids sometimes pressure each other about crushes. Friends might push someone to tell their crush how they feel, even if the kid is shy or embarrassed. Kids might also claim someone has a crush on someone else, or insist that someone should have a crush on a certain person.
All of that is pretty typical.
When you talk with your child about crushes, it’s helpful to remind them that the foundation of a real relationship is friendship. A crush might lead to a friendship, but crushes themselves aren’t always based on really knowing someone.
At the same time, be careful not to dismiss their feelings. Those feelings can be very strong and very real to them. Minimizing or teasing them about it can feel insulting or condescending.
If your child does talk with you about a crush, try saying things like:
“Tell me more.”
“What do you like about them?”
“You think they’re cute—what else do you like about them?”
If they’re younger, you can also ask if they’d like to spend time with that person—maybe a playdate or hanging out together. Sometimes they’ll say yes. Often, they’ll say no, depending on their age.
If your kid is a teenager, crushes can get really intense. And sometimes the feelings aren’t returned, which can be heartbreaking. Be ready to support them if that happens.
The good news is that crushes usually fade over time. That’s one way you know they’re different from real relationships.
My childhood crush lasted an extraordinarily long time. Maybe it was because we got “married” when we were four or five, and I just never recovered.
One more thing: if you have younger kids who say they are “dating” or in love—like five-year-old dating—be careful about the language you use. Try not to say things like, “Oh, you’re so cute, are you going to get married someday?” That kind of language puts kids into a box they really don’t need to be in.
Instead, stick with simple questions like:
“What do you like about them?”
“Do you want them to come over for a playdate?”
And remember that the core of a healthy relationship is friendship.
That’s a little crushing talk for you.
If you’re someone who can comment wherever you’re listening—maybe on YouTube—I’d love to know: what were your first crushes like? Devastating? Fabulous? Did they turn into a real relationship?
And if your kids actually talk to you about their crushes, please tell me that too, because I’m dying to know how that happens.
If you want more resources, head over to birdsandbeesandkids.com. One thing I want to highlight is the Birds & Bees Solutions Center. It’s basically a library of short videos and resources about all kinds of sex-talk topics—puberty, consent, relationships, and more.
You can find it on my website.
And of course, like and share this episode, because the world needs more help with these conversations and parents need more support talking with their kids about all kinds of things.
If you have a topic you want help with, please tell me. You can email me at amy@birdsandbeesandkids.com.
NEURODIVERGENT KIDS
If you need more support communicating with your neurodivergent kid about sex, I have a resource called Start Here: Sexuality, Consent, and Neurodivergent Kids. It’s a three-pack of short videos about consent, talking about sex, and some common myths about neurodivergent kids and sexuality. The link is in the show notes wherever you’re listening or watching.
Okay, so a crush is when you have strong romantic feelings for another person. Crushes are usually an idealized version of that person. It’s mostly happening in our heads—our ideas about who they are and what they’re like. Often, we’re attracted to how they look, but it’s not a real relationship. It’s more like a fantasy version of a relationship.
For neurodivergent kids, depending on their support needs, it can sometimes be harder to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. They may feel very strongly that they have a crush on someone and assume the other person feels the same way.
So it’s important to explain that crushes can be one-way. A crush is something you feel about someone. It doesn’t necessarily mean the other person feels the same way.
There’s also a common myth that neurodivergent people—especially autistic people—don’t have romantic feelings or aren’t interested in romantic or sexual relationships. That’s simply not true. It might look different, it might sound different, and the whole experience might be different, but many neurodivergent people do experience romantic feelings and want relationships.
If you assume your child isn’t sexual in any way and use that as a reason not to talk with them about this, that’s not fair to them.
So assume your child may very well have a crush on someone.
When you talk with them about it, explain that crushes can also have a physical feeling in the body. When you have a crush on someone, you can feel a real pull toward them—a kind of tug or curiosity or strong interest.
That feeling can be confusing, especially if the other person doesn’t feel the same way. Your child might feel very strongly about someone and assume the other person feels the same way back.
Reading social cues can also make this harder. Many neurodivergent kids have trouble reading facial expressions or body language. They might not recognize the signals that someone isn’t interested. So talking about body language and social cues can help them navigate those situations.
Another thing to talk about is peer pressure around crushes. Other kids might ask things like, “Who do you have a crush on?” Your child might honestly say “Nobody,” because they aren’t interested in anyone yet or they simply aren’t thinking about that.
For many neurodivergent kids—especially in middle school—there can be a social-emotional gap compared to their neurotypical peers. Sometimes it’s about a two-year difference in social and emotional development. That can make these conversations even more confusing when peers are suddenly very interested in crushes and dating.
It’s also important to remember that some neurodivergent kids are LGBTQ+, including being asexual or aromantic. They may not experience crushes or romantic attraction at all.
Helping them understand that crushes are a normal part of life for many people—and that it can all be confusing—is helpful. Honestly, crushes are confusing for everyone.
One other thing that can really help is sharing your own stories. Talk about your own crushes when you were younger, or your friends’ crushes. Sharing those experiences helps normalize it, and when we share non-traumatic stories about ourselves, it helps kids feel more connected to us.
So the big takeaway here is this: assume crushes will be part of your child’s world in some way. They may experience them themselves, or their peers will be talking about them. Either way, they need to understand what crushes are and how they work so they can navigate those situations more easily.
If there’s something specific you want help with, please let me know. You can leave a comment wherever you’re watching or listening, or send me an email at amy@birdsandbeesandkids.com.
I’ll see you again soon, and keep an eye out for the replays I post in the middle of the month. They’re usually short, little definitions or quick explanations of different topics.
One more thing – if you need a little boost to get the talks rolling, check out Start Here: Sexuality, Consent, and Neurodivergent Kids. If you are feeling unsure where to begin, this is an easy, supportive place to start.
I hope you’re enjoying this format—it’s definitely easier for me, and I bet it’s easier for you too.
Okay, bye!
Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai
