Girl won’t talk about her period; kid won’t stop telling everyone she’s gay; explaining circumcision to a 5-year-old

Resources:

Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls

Celebrate Your Body (Book Two)

The Girl’s Body Book

Video: Understanding and Supporting Puberty in Autistic Girls and Boys

Q&A

Hi, it’s Amy with Birds and Bees and Kids and your friendly Just Say This podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share.

I know this is super casual and sometimes it might be a little weird, but people need help. I’m bored and so I like to give advice. So that’s what’s going to happen today.

I’m not doing two separate episodes. I’m going to do some questions from parents and answer them like the old school Just Say This.

And what else? If you need help, Amy at birdsandbeesandkids.com. If you have a specific issue with a kid or you just need  help getting rolling, we can have a quickie – it’s not dirty.

What else? I do talks for schools, PTAs, and I have a birds and bees basics class. I have one about online safety. Virtual is  just fine.

If you’re interested in that, email me. Linky-dinks right down below. Same if you’re watching the YouTube video.

If you’re watching the YouTube video, I want to show you my cute t-shirt that Kerry gave me. Here, I’m just going to show you my boob area. Kerry’s a motorcycle maniac.

Isn’t that super cute? It’s a vintage cartoon of a woman on a motorcycle. It’s very cute. Anyway, I want to show that off.

Okay, so let me monkey around here for a second and get to a thing to read. Hang on. Why won’t it let me fucking stop the recording? All right.

Girl won’t stop telling everyone about her sexuality

Okay, here we go. This is from a parent and she said, my 10-year-old daughter will announce very loudly to literally anyone that someone she knows is gay or that she’s a lesbian. I’m cool with whoever she is, but she is driving me crazy.

I talked to her a bit about how unfortunately there are people who will make judgments about her based on her announcements.

I also told her that it’s really inappropriate to make announcements or to even ask personal questions about other’s gender or sexual identity, but she truly does not care what others think and enjoys pushing people out of their comfort zones. Anyway, I’d appreciate your thoughts.

I have them. A couple things about this. I got this a few years ago and now that I’ve been working in neurodivergent land, I suspect this child, is neurodivergent – because she doesn’t care, says to me that she might be wired a little bit differently.

And so with this child who is telling everyone that she is happily gay and then talking about other people’s sexual orientation or guessing and commenting on it, just a couple things about that. Neurodivergent people are three to four times more likely to be queer. So there’s that.

So if she’s  neurodivergent, that’s going on. Also ADHDers, autistic kids, sometimes have trouble with the blurting and it’s on her mind. She’s going to talk about it.

She doesn’t care that it’s socially inappropriate because she just doesn’t care. And she might have trouble reading social cues. So someone looks uncomfortable that might not register with her.

With a kid who is doing something like this, and even if she’s neurotypical and she’s just proud and loud and wants everyone to be happy with their gender and, you know, if they’re gay, great. So, she can support them or whatever’s in her brain.

A couple of things.

First of all, I would say to chat with her when she’s not in the middle of it. I’d talk about what to do if she does it, to have a conversation side by side. I mean, you know, my usual rules, don’t park her, don’t look her in the eye. Maybe when you’re doing something, something together like cooking or walking the dog, you want to keep it casual to a degree, but because she’s in this kind of compulsive mode of doing this, you’re going to have to be firm.

She’s going to need to be firm and kind and really clear.

She’s not getting the message. And it’s important to not use euphemisms, to be super clear and direct about what she’s doing, why she needs to stop, and where it’s okay for her to have those conversations and say those things. You could just say this, she could just say this.

See what I did there? I don’t know that I ever did that before. Anyway, so saying to her, I want to talk to you about you telling people you’re gay or commenting on other people’s gender or sexual orientation. First thing, I’ve told you that people feel uncomfortable when you talk about your sexual orientation or you comment on other people’s sexual orientation.

Now she’s already done that, right? So here’s the part where firmness needs to happen. I need you to stop because you can get in trouble. People don’t like to have other people comment on who they are as a sexual person, comment about their sexual orientation.

The reason you need to stop is because people don’t like it when you do that. I understand that you are happy in your gender and your sexual orientation. That’s great, but that is something that is private for you to talk about and express when you are at home with your good friends, with your family.

Those are okay places to talk about that. If you want to ask someone about their, talk to someone about their gender or sexual orientation, it’s important that you already know them a little bit. You’ve talked to them before, and then you can ask nicely, I’m wondering about your sexual orientation.

I’m gay.

Kind, right? For the girl, you’re being kind, or the child, I should say. You’re being kind, you’re being thoughtful, and then see how she does.

Now I just said a lot of words because I’m winging it. This is something I would encourage her, the mom, to script out. It’s fewer words, economy of words.

Do you hear how clear I am? Do you hear how pretty simple I am? We need clear and concrete. Some kids are black and white thinkers. This kid, I don’t think so, but you still need to offer that.

This is when it’s okay. This is when it’s not okay. Love and support you.

We don’t want people to feel uncomfortable. She can get in trouble. People are weird.

They might get mad and yell at her. She doesn’t want to get in trouble. People could be mean, saying things like that.

That’s all that. Again, a little wordy, but I’m guessing you get the gist. Next thing is when they are out and about, and she is starting to express herself in this way.

You need a Codeword. I am a super fan of codewords. They agree on a codeword, and then they practice.

They agree on the codeword, and it’s, I don’t know, a fox. I’ve got a fox thing right here. Do you want to see it? It’s really cute.

Little fox. You can’t see it. Sorry.

You should watch the video. It’s a very little fox. It’s very cute.

I like foxes. Anyway, it’s fox, which sounds like fuck, so we’re not doing that. We’ll do pineapple.

The codeword is pineapple. She’s in a grocery store. She’s in line with a checker, and she starts to say, hey, I’m gay.

Then mom says, pineapple. That’s to remind her that it’s not okay to talk about that in that circumstance. I love a codeword.

I think I’ve talked about Popsicle.

Kerry and I have a codeword, which is Popsicle. If we’re having a little discussion, and one of us starts to get hot, we just say Popsicle, and that reminds us to reset, re-whatever, regulate our emotions or whatever. Love a codeword.

How to explain circumcision to a 5-year-old

This is a little kid one.

My five-year-old came home from pre-K the other day after using a public restroom. He saw a man’s penis and realized that it looked different from his own.

My son is not circumcised, and from the description he gave, this man was. He wants to know why they looked different. Can you help?

Okay. This is super common, right? Some kids are circumcised.

Some kids are not. They see a penis that doesn’t look like theirs, and of course they’re going to have questions. How do you explain to a child why that penis looks different?

Values alert here. I cannot be anything other than opinionated about this. My spouse says that they cut off a part of my penis without asking me, which I think is a terrible, right?

But for your five-year-old, you can say something like, well, everybody’s penis has a foreskin, and it looks like this. It covers the head of the penis. It’s its job to protect it, and when you pee or have an erection, it kind of pulls back a little bit, so that’s a foreskin.

Sometimes parents choose to have the foreskin removed from the person’s penis, and they do it when they’re a really tiny baby, when they’re first born. Some people do this for religious reasons, so it’s part of their religion. It’s part of their culture, and they do that.

Other people do it because they think it’s healthier, which it is not healthier. Our body parts are made the way they’re made because eof volution, you probably don’t want to say this, because evolution has told us that this is the safest, best way to have these different body parts.

You should also tell him that when they do the circumcision, when they cut the piece of the penis off without the child’s permission – maybe don’t say that, that it doesn’t hurt the baby. They usually give him some kind of pain reliever. I honestly don’t know, because I think it’s barbaric.

Anyway, so that’s what you do, so you need to be neutral. Don’t be me. You need to be neutral about it, and then talk about how everybody’s body looks different, and people make different choices about their bodies, and please don’t compare this to hair removal or anything like that, so yeah.

Anyway, so that’s how I would respond to a five-year-old. Now, we did not circumcise Milo. What a surprise, and one thing about little kids, just a side note, is that if their penises look different, and they’re peeing together and crossing streams, it’s really common for one to say to the other, hey, your penis looks different than mine.

Can I touch it? They’re five. They don’t have any boundaries. Be like, sure, touch my penis.

I’ll touch yours, and they’re doing this because they’re curious, so this is very standard behavior.

There’s lots of touching that can happen, and sometimes of private parts with young kids because they’re mainly curious, so if you hear about something like that happening with your child, it’s really important that you not shame them about it, but you do need to say, hey, it’s not okay or safe to touch somebody else’s penis or have them touch yours.

That’s a private part of your body, and it’s only for you to touch or the doctor or me if you need help, so establishing that privacy, and so I think sometimes people that think that any kind of touching of privates means sexual abuse.

That is absolutely not true. Sure, sometimes it does, but in a case like this, they’re curious. They don’t have any boundaries.

They just do the thing, and usually, both kids agree. There’s no threat, coercion, same age, same developmentally

That is my circumcision suggestion. Again, as you may have heard, super opinionated about it.

It’s your child’s body. It’s your choice, not theirs. I don’t get it.

Daughter refuses to talk about her period

My daughter started her period three weeks ago. She’s 10 and a half.

I talked about it a year or so ago and gave her a mini refresher recently. She was reluctant to talk about it when she started, and she’s due to get her next one, and I’d like to share more. Any ideas about how to get her to be more receptive?

Okay, everybody’s got a different experience of their body and puberty and all of that, and so it sounds to me like this gal is very private.

She also might be just upset about her body changing and the period happening and having to manage it and her body’s going from a kid body to an adult body. Sometimes kids just don’t want to know, and they might not want to know because it makes it so it’s not happening. They might not want to know because it’s embarrassing to them.

They don’t like any kind of body talk. This kid might be a kid that just really can’t handle sex talking, and you may be able to relate to this. If you were a kid like this you can put this in the YouTube comments.

If you were a person like this, a child like this, it would be really nice to know what was helpful to you, so that’s a wiring thing, right?

That’s a personality thing, but she really needs to know, so there are some good books. They’re in the show notes. Care and Keeping of You, the Girl’s Body Book. There’s lots of books out there to help kids understand what’s happening, understand periods, that kind of thing, so the mom can do a couple things.

She can just put a Post-it note in one of the books and say, hey, you’re going to have another period. We talked about this. Remember, they’re about a month apart, so you can reread this so you feel a little bit more confident about what’s happening.

We don’t have to talk about it, but she does really need to kind of understand what’s happening with her body and be ready because it’s going to happen, well, kind of every other month until after a year, it kind of steadies out and gets more predictable. Note to parents, track it like you track it, they track it.

It’s important for you to know what’s happening to them because they’re going to have ups and downs, right, in their emotions and their temperament and their patience and all that stuff, so it’s better for everyone if you know when it’s coming.

I don’t want your children tracking anything on a phone, so get them a secret notebook so they can track it there, and then just a reminder that it’s a natural process of the body that pretty much everybody with the uterus has this experience of having a period and normalizing it, and, you know, it can be scary, right?

I mean, there was sort of a, like, for me, I was like, finally, because everybody else had it, and then I was like, finally, what was I waiting for? So just be mindful of that, and then the other thing is people like to have period parties, so this is, again, something that if you’re thinking about doing this, really talk with your child about it.

Make sure this is something she wants. Sometimes I think the mamas get all excited because they want to have this rite of passage thing, and that doesn’t work for everybody, so this child, no flipping way does this kid want a period party, and so when I got my period, my mom was very sweet.

You know, I told her, and of course I said I don’t tell daddy because, you know…and then the next day, I had coveted this little bottle of violet perfume. I love the smell of violets, this little bottle of violet perfume, and the next day when I came home, that was on my bed, and that was such a lovely acknowledgement. Of course, there was no conversation.

And you may know this story. Like, I did ballet, and, you know, pads and leotards and tights, they don’t go together, so I would steal her OB tampons. You know, they stick them in your butt, up your butt, just kidding, in your vag with your finger, so I’d steal her OB tampons when I had my period, when I had ballet, and I could not ask her for them.

I just was so uncomfortable, and then when I think I was 17, she said, I’m going to Safeway. Do you need anything? And I got brave, and I said, tampons. Now, she must have known I was using hers, but maybe not.

Talking openly with your child about that and what kind of period products they need, really a good idea, and then back to this sweet 10-and-a-half-year-old. If you’re thinking, oh my god, that’s so young. No, that is standard fare for girls to get their periods.

Autistic girls start puberty six to nine months sooner than neurotypical girls, which I think is really interesting, not sure why. Actually, I’m going to put a link to this very academic video about puberty and autistic kids.

Just making sure they have products and they understand the options and all that and practicing with pads.

Lots of girls are starting puberty at eight or nine. Like I said, the autistic girls start sooner, so watch that video. It’s very academic.

I had to watch it twice, but it’s interesting about what they’re seeing in puberty in neurodivergent boys and girls.

Okay, that’s enough from me. If you have questions, I want to hear them.

You can email me. Amy@BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com

I’m happy to answer or put them in the chat or whatever you call that, in the comments in YouTube. I will cruise that and find stuff and answer them eventually.

Again, sorry, little bananas. And what else?

If you’re interested in having me do a talk for your PTA or you want to pull together a small group, we can do it on Zoom. Those are super fun because it’s nice to have your friends on the same page.

Okay, adios. I’m going to go have some lunch and then I will deal with this. All right, bye.

Take care. Good luck. You can do this.