Barely edited transcript of my recent podcast.
How to talk with kids about pleasure
Mom needs some guidance as her teen starts a relationship! She has questions about setting clear house rules around things like bedroom doors and sleepovers.
Listen here:
- All Kids Episode – Question from a Parent: What are the best house rules for teen “romantic” sleepovers?
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GENERAL PARENTING SUPPORT EPISODE
Hi, it’s Amy from Birds & Bees & Kids.
This is the Just Say This podcast — super casual, basically a newsletter you can listen to—no fancy intro because who has the patience for that.
Today, we’re talking about how to talk to your kids about pleasure.
Yep. Pleasure.
People have sex and do sexual stuff because it feels good. That’s the reason. Touching someone else, touching yourself, being sexual or romantic with someone — it’s about pleasure.
And your kids have a right to know that. Early.
A lot of us — especially people with female bodies — grew up with sex that wasn’t very pleasurable, or where pleasure wasn’t even mentioned. It just… wasn’t part of the conversation. And that’s not great. So we get to do this differently with our kids.
Yes, sex can make babies. Obviously. Pregnancy matters and should be planned for or prevented when needed. But reproduction is not the main reason people have sex. It’s kind of a side thing, not the point.
So when do you bring up pleasure?
When you’re already talking about reproduction.
You can say something like:
“When people choose to do this, it feels good to their bodies. For little kids, it feels good to grown-up bodies. It’s something people agree to do because they want to.”
That’s it.
Yes, babies can happen.
And sometimes people do this just because they want to feel good and close together.
As kids get older, you keep saying the same thing in slightly more grown-up ways.
Yeah, sex can lead to reproduction.
And most of the time, people have sex because it feels good and they want to be sexual with someone.
You also get to normalize that everyone’s different.
Some people want a lot of sex.
Some people don’t want any.
Some people land somewhere in the middle.
Some people are asexual.
There is no one “normal.”
Now, if your kid is around 10 and this makes them want to crawl out of their skin — perfect. I am absolutely not suggesting 10-year-olds should be having sex.
What I am saying is that this is the age when kids are often figuring out masturbation and learning their own bodies. That matters. Understanding what feels good to your own body, privately, is a big part of having a healthy sex life later.
Please don’t avoid talking about pleasure.
If someone had said to me early on, “Hey, during sex you’re allowed to take care of your own body too,” my early sex life would have been way better. I didn’t know that. No one told me. I didn’t have access to that information.
Kids today do get messages about sex for pleasure — but mostly from porn and from friends. And that’s a problem.
Porn makes it look like sex is always intense, loud, rough, and amazing. Bodies look a certain way. People react a certain way. And a lot of that is fake — but kids don’t know it’s fake because no adult has said that clearly.
So we have to say it.
Real sex includes agreement, consent, and actual communication.
It’s usually slower.
People check in with each other — sometimes out loud, sometimes not — and that takes practice.
Porn needs to be called out for what it is.
Sex for pleasure does not look like porn.
People don’t make those sounds.
Bodies don’t look like that.
Penises and breasts are not that size.
People have pubic hair.
All of that is nonsense.
The part that is real?
Sex should feel good.
So when you’re talking about pleasure with your kids, think drip, not dump. You don’t have to say everything at once. But the core message stays the same:
This is something people agree to do.
They want to do it.
It should feel good to everyone involved.
You can also talk about libido — because that varies too.
Some people are very sexual.
Some people aren’t sexual at all.
Some people are somewhere in between.
Your kids will figure out what’s true for them — what they’re curious about, what they’re into, what they’re not.
And then we circle back to consent, because we always do.
The best sex is when people are in agreement, listening to each other, wanting to be together, and actually caring whether their partner feels good.
This is kind of the training-wheels version of sex-for-pleasure, with a little porn-reality-check thrown in. Their understanding will grow and change over time.
One last important thing: whatever your kid is feeling — curious, interested, awkward, grossed out — all of that is normal. They don’t need to have it all figured out.
And neither do you.
If you think, “Ugh, I said that wrong,” or “I should’ve added something,” email me. I’ll fix it in a future episode. That’s the beauty of this being super casual.
If you’re really stuck or there’s a topic you need help with, you can book a Quickie with me — it’s a 30-minute consult. Links are in the show notes.
I also do virtual parenting classes. And just so you know, I am not like this in a PTA meeting. I promise.
Alright. That’s it!
NEURODIVERGENT PARENTING SUPPORT EPISODE
Hi there, parent of a neurodivergent kid.
This is the same topic — sex for pleasure — but specifically through the lens of your neurodivergent child. Some of this will sound familiar from the general episode, and some of it needs to be handled a little differently.
If you listened to the first one, great. I’m going to do a quick recap and then talk more specifically about how to help a neurodivergent kid understand why people would even want to have sex for pleasure.
Because let’s be honest — a lot of neurodivergent kids have sensory stuff. And I never want anyone pushing through something they don’t want to do. Ever. But it is helpful for them to understand why the rest of the world might be interested in something that doesn’t sound appealing to them at all.
From very early on, your baseline message stays the same:
People have sex and do sexual things because it feels good to their bodies.
I usually say it feels good to grown-up bodies, because I’m not into kids doing sexual stuff. With neurodivergent kids, it can help to be a little more concrete and timeline-based. You might say things like: when people are older, when they’re teenagers, when they’re late teens or adults — so they have a clearer sense of when this is appropriate.
Another really important piece is being clear that even though many people enjoy sex for pleasure, lots of people don’t. And that includes a lot of neurodivergent people.
Some kids don’t like being touched.
Some don’t like certain textures, sensations, or physical feelings.
Some just don’t want another person that close to their body.
One way to get a general sense of how your child feels in their body is to look at how puberty has gone for them. Things like pubic hair, voice changes, breast development, body odor — all of that can give you clues about how comfortable or uncomfortable they are in their skin. It doesn’t tell you everything about pleasure, but it helps you understand that their experience may be very different — and that is completely okay.
Sometimes parents assume that because their child isn’t interested, or because the idea of sex totally grosses them out, that they won’t ever want a sexual or romantic relationship. And that’s not fair to them.
Many neurodivergent people do want romantic or sexual relationships — they just may need more support, more time, and more accommodations. There are lots of ways to make sex and intimacy work for neurodivergent people that don’t look anything like the standard script.
That can include going very slowly.
Lots of explicit consent.
Clear communication.
Accommodations like wearing gloves, avoiding certain body parts, or only touching in specific ways.
There are many ways to enjoy closeness — and someone else’s body — without it being this big, overwhelming thing.
Notice how slow I’m talking right now?
That’s the pace you want to use with this topic.
And just to say this clearly: assuming your child won’t be interested in sex or romance at all is a big myth. Most people are capable of some kind of romantic relationship, and potentially a sexual one, even if it looks very different from what we expect.
So we talk about it early.
We go slowly.
We reassure them that they don’t have to do anything.
And we talk about consent. A lot.
Consent means deciding if this is something they want to do.
What agreeing looks like for them.
How to communicate that with a partner.
One challenge for many neurodivergent people is reading social and physical cues. Facial expressions, body language — those can be easy to miss. Someone might be pulling away or looking uncomfortable, and that signal doesn’t always land.
So we teach skills like asking:
“Is this okay?”
“Do you want to do this?”
And we practice those skills in non-sexual situations.
Do you want a hug?
Do you want to hold hands?
Is this comfortable?
That gives them practice noticing responses and hearing no.
Then later you can say, “If you ever want to kiss someone and you’re not sure, you can ask.” And if the answer is no, it’s a no. We also talk explicitly about body language — pulling away, cringing, turning aside — and what those signals mean.
One of the things I love about these conversations is that, honestly, all of this applies to everyone. Neurotypical, neurodivergent — we all need this information. Sometimes parents without ND kids listen to these episodes too, and honestly? Great. It’s good stuff for all humans.
Neurodivergent people are more likely to be queer and to have a broader understanding of themselves as sexual beings. That might include being asexual. Or aromantic. Or only interested in romance. Or interested in connection but not sex.
All of that is okay.
They don’t have to do anything. Ever.
And again — everyone needs to hear this, but it’s especially important for you not to assume disinterest just because your child doesn’t fit the typical mold.
I’ve mentioned Love on the Spectrum before. Yes, it’s reality TV. Yes, it’s staged. But there are real moments in there that can be helpful to watch — seeing people try to figure this stuff out, awkwardly and honestly.
Alright. That’s what I’ve got.
Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai
