Dating Smarts for Parents – When Should Your Teen End It? Signs to Know It’s Time to Go
Talking about dating violence
Millions of teens will experience violence in their dating relationships so it’s important to share the warning signs with your teen. You probably don’t want to think about dating violence or sexual abuse and your teen, however the safer they will be the more they know.
Dating Violence
Start by describing that dating violence can be confusing – your teen may be charmed by their partner. Warning signs are controlling behavior and blaming others for problems. It can be physical or verbal and it often shows up as a cycle. Their partner promises never to do it again, yet the do it again.
The victim often becomes afraid of their partner and unsure of themselves. Tell your teen if this happens to talk to a trustworthy adult (name a few folks) or call a hotline to get support. Dating violence can happen regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
You’ve probably shared with your teen that communication is key in relationships (right?? Right.) Add that good partners are able talk about sexual limits, respect boundaries, and get consent every time they engage in a sexual activity. Tell your teen if their partner says “no,” or does not respond, to stop. If their partner does something they don’t like, your teen should ask them to stop and tell them the effect the behavior has on them.
If the behavior doesn’t stop, your teen may need to take a break or leave the relationship. Share with your teen that it’s common to think they will be with whomever they are dating forever, however most teen relationships aren’t long-term. Making a pro/con grid**** can help them decide.
Sexual Abuse
Talk with your teen about sexual abuse by sharing that victims are predominately abused by someone they know and it can be confusing. The victim feels special and these good feelings are hard to separate from the bad. Sexual abuse is pressuring or tricking another person into sexual activity for that persons pleasure. It includes sexual touching, exhibitionism, pornography, and voyeurism. Drugs and alcohol are sometimes used to reduce resistance.
Two important things they need to know: it’s absolutely not the victim’s fault, and people can and do recover if something like this happens to them. The first step is to tell someone and if they don’t believe them, keep telling until they are believed. Tell your kid that you will believe them no matter what and then keep your word.
Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like (and doesn’t) will help your teen make good decisions about their relationships and get help if they need it.
****I LOVE this way of doing a pro/con list – it’s kinda magical
- Divide a sheet of paper in to four quadrants
- Label one column “STAY” and the other “BREAK UP”
- Under each column label the top quadrant “PROS” and the bottom quadrant “CONS”
- Next write the pros and cons of staying and the pros and cons of breaking up under each column
- Enjoy the clarity when you see both options side by side. Usually the best course of action it very clear
