Run screaming?!
Hi Amy!
What should I do when my son finds sex toys or personal lubricant in my bedside table and asks me what they are? I have not been fully honest and I told him the lube is skin lotion and ignored the sex toy question.
Is there a better, appropriate, more honest response to this? As comfortable as I am discussing sex with him, I’m not so sure about talking about specific details of my own sex life with my husband (his dad).
I’ve been talking to my 11-year-old son about sex and where babies come from for many years, since he was 4-5. We’ve read all the books you recommend together and are currently reading It’s Perfectly Normal. I basically have no qualms about discussing all and answering all (or most) of his questions but this has thrown me for a loop!
~ Sex Toy Owner/User
You can’t lie about sex toys but you can skirt the truth (a little)
Hey Sex Toy Owner/User!
Go you! I always love it when I hear that parents are happily having sex and keeping things fun and interesting. And I am always super-sympathetic when the kids find the sex toys and want to know what they are for. Ugh.
When it comes to our own, personal sex lives, our kids DO NOT want to know about it – at all. It totally grosses them out, just like you are probably totally grossed out thinking about your parents’ sex life. Sorry about the mental image.
Your “it’s lotion” tactic is mostly fine, it’s essentially true as it does make things moist. But he’s 11 and because you have been honest and direct with him about sexuality so far, he probably smells a rat. If he asks again, tell him the truth, “It’s lube. It helps with the sex.” He will NOT want to pursue this further with you, at all ever. See my previous statement.
As for explaining sex toys you could say something like, “I’m a little uncomfortable talking to you about these, but they are called “sex toys” and are something people use when they have sex to make it feel even better.” Note the 3rd person tense here – it puts some space between you and the toys.
Then redirect his attention to pretty much anything else by asking a completely unrelated question. He will thank you for it. But if he does have follow up questions you can tell him that it feels really weird to talk to him about your personal sex life and then answer the question really simply. Try to keep the conversation short.
If he’s reading It’s Perfectly Normal, he’ll put two and two together eventually and you won’t have to dive into the sex toy/lube details. The book will handle it for him.
One last tip lock the sex toys up. Get a “toy chest” with a lock or tuck it away under the bed.
I hope this helps!
~Amy
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