How to Answer “When Did You Have Sex The First Time?”
Often, parents will ask me about what to say if their kid asks them “how old were you when you had sex for the first time?” and other personal questions about your sex life and history. For some, it’s an easy straight up answer, for others it’s bit more complex.
As a parent, you have the right to privacy about your sex life – past, present and future. You don’t have to reveal your sexual history to your children. One thing to keep in mind is that your child is often wondering about their sexual decision-making. That is to say, they are very concerned about what is right for them, what’s going to happen to them, when will it be okay for them to have sex.
Sometimes they want to know about our history so they can use it as a way to make a decision about their future (or their present). It’s fine to answer honestly and tell them about it – but keep it simple – and talk about the impact of your choice, lessons learned and what you hope for them.
However! If you were sexually abused or raped or assaulted the first time you had sex, DO NOT TELL YOUR CHILD THIS. I believe our children do not need to know about our traumas and need to see us as whole, healthy and capable. Sharing this information will not serve them at all and could scare the shit out of them when it comes to sex. This is something you can wait until they are in their later 20’s to share.
What you can do is tell them about the first time you chose to have sex. This way you can talk about it in a way that is helpful to your child.
If you just can’t stand the thought of talking about this with your child, turn the question around to them: How old do you think someone should be when they have sex? You can talk in a general way about your hopes for your child.
Here’s a sample response: “I was completely unprepared for how complicated my feelings were, how I felt about my decision, how my partner reacted and now I wish I’d waited until I was out of High School. What I hope for you is…What do you hope for yourself?”
Remember! Just like you really don’t want to know about your parents’ sex life – your kids don’t really want to know about yours!
